Elmo Goes Third Reich . . .
And, yes, the Epstein saga continues. Plus Stephen Colbert's hideous abomination of a show comes to a well-deserved but painfully drawn out end. Welcome to another FFS Friday.
Or . . .
Round and round we go, here at the Elephant and Ass Show.
There was late breaking news yesterday evening . . .
Is this the death of late night? Vanity Fair asks in all seriousness.
Answer? Late night has been dead for a long, long time. They’ve just been keeping it alive by feeding it brains.
The most priceless response to this news comes from our old friend Adam “Full of” Schiff.
“Just finished taping . . .”
I can tell Mr. Schiff right now that they most definitely ended the Late Show for “political reasons.”
No one watches late night TV to watch hosts drool over politicians.
And this didn’t help either . . .
We are all so much intellectually poorer for that show having existed.
However, it’s not officially off the air until May 2026, plenty more time for it to consume a few more brains.
Speaking of things way out of date . . .
You know, if you want to convince liberals like me that rich people pay too much in taxes already, maybe don’t be selling a chunk of moldy compacted milk for more than my last car, brand new at that.
Though it does remind me of a movie scene . . .
Totally underrated flick.
We can file this under “you can’t ever freaking win.”
I absolutely love the way this is worded. Pay careful attention.
In addition to causing millions of premature deaths, air pollution shields the Earth from sunlight and therefore cools the surface. There has been so much air pollution that it has held human-induced warming in check by up to 0.5°C over the last century.
Okay, you probably don’t see the problem. Let me just tweak the wording a bit.
“In addition to causing Although it causes millions of premature deaths, air pollution shields the Earth from sunlight and therefore cools the surface.”
See the difference. The first one is worded as if both are positives or at least neutral. The pollution was killing people and it was keeping the earth from warming.
Win-win.
This is so much less sexy than getting eaten by Jaws . . .
This specific bacterium, Vibrio vulnificus, typically lives in warm, brackish seawater, and can enter open wounds when people are swimming. . . .
“Aggressive attention should be given to the wound site; for patients with wound infections, amputation of the infected limb is sometimes necessary,” Florida Health stated.
Yup, I’d definitely be lying and say I lost my arm to a twenty foot great white.
But not even that is as bad as this . . .
[I]n a desperate attempt to relieve himself [during a sudden bout of dysentary], the man rushed outside and squatted near a narrow shaft adjacent to the lift. In that state, he lost balance and fell down the shaft, landing in a pit on the ground floor.
If his family loves him, they will lie like a dog about how he died.
It’s like I tell my husband: running will kill you . . .
Yeah, yeah, I know what you will say. But, Lillia, he got hit by a car!
To which I say, if he hadn’t spent all those years exercising, he would not have been 114 and capable of walking outside. So I’m right. Running killed him.
Hey, it makes as much sense as how they counted COVID deaths.
Now that that morbid streak is over . . .
Archaeologists have unearthed a stash of unusually large shoes at the ruins of a first-century military fort along Hadrian’s Wall, a 73-mile (117-kilometer) stone barrier that famously shielded the Roman Empire’s northwestern perimeter from foreign invaders. The discovery is raising new questions about the lives and origins of the fort’s inhabitants. . . .
Eight of the shoes are over 11.8 inches (30 centimeters) in length — a US men’s size 13.5 or greater based on Nike’s size chart — making them larger than average by today’s standard and sparking suspicions that unusually tall troops may have guarded this particular fortress at the empire’s edge. . . .
By contrast, the average ancient shoe found at a neighboring Roman fort was closer to a US men’s size 8, according to a news release about the discovery.
They don’t know why the shoes are so big as the “ideal” recruit for the Roman army was 5-8 or 5-9.
And they’re running out of time to figure it out. Why? *serious face*
But of course.
Here’s my theory.
They didn’t have trees to build stools.
See look . . .
No wood anywhere.
So they needed tall soldiers.
Mystery solved.
There was a minor controversy this week surrounding JD Vance and running . . .
D-aligned TwiX tried desperately to make it a “thing.”
I don’t want to hear a word about who is and is not an “alpha male” from someone who supported this . . .
Besides, JD Vance can actually run.
Have you seen some of the Democrats lately? They’re either so old that anything more than an amble would jar them into pieces like a skeleton from a Scooby-Doo episode, or they’re so overweight they’d have a heart attack two steps in.
JD Pritzker and Jerry Nadler, I’m looking at you.
Elmo went a little Nut-zi (Nat-zi?) this week on TwiX.
Sesame Street Workshop says the account was hacked. (Hey, if it could happen to Joy Reid 😏 . . . )
I’ll leave it to you to decide whether that is true or if Elmo snorted a little too much sugar.
Either way, you know what this means.
Although many of us out here found it a bit hilarious that Elmo went full on Hitler for the space of a few “tweets,” DC politicians decided it was the perfect moment to pander.
No, you hyperventilating harpies, it was a clear attempt to stir up trouble and make people overreact and say idiotic things, like “Look! Elmo is trying to influence five year olds who follow him on X.”
No wonder our “education and workforce” are in the shape they’re in.
In a rather insulting move this week, after passing the OBBB, which will add roughly $4.4 trillion to the US debt over the next ten years, the Republicans are now trying to “rescind” $9 billion.
That’s rather like emptying Lake Erie and expecting a party for dumping a thimble’s worth of water back in.
In fact the only thing slightly more insulting than that above is this below . . .
I have lived in rural areas all my life. I can tell you for certain that none of us is depending on public radio to save us from a tornado . . . or anything else. (They’d have to take time out from warning about the storm to beg for money.)
I know I should be getting tired of the Epstein mania, but I’m having too much fun. It’s like being a disaster tourist without having to leave my home. We’re all just treading water now in the Lake of Hypocrisy.
Finally, the Democrats have discovered an issue they can sink their teeth into.
Of course, there’s a slight problem with that.
This was back in the good ol’ days of 2024
To get a sense of why conspiracy theories centered on sex trafficking and pedophilia — and now the “Epstein list” — are so buzzy in MAGA circles, POLITICO Magazine called up Mike Rothschild, author of The Storm Is Upon Us: How QAnon Became a Movement, Cult, and Conspiracy Theory of Everything and Jewish Space Lasers: The Rothschilds and 200 Years of Conspiracy Theories.
Rothschild pointed to a toxic stew of age-old antisemitism; the worst incentives of today’s social media; and the right’s unending obsession with Bill and Hillary Clinton.
And NPR had this little piece in September of 2022 . . .
Epstein's death by suicide in jail under Bureau of Prisons custody also fueled a popular wave of theories and memes. But it's the established facts of his crimes that make him a useful character in an extended universe of fringe bogeymen.
You see, Epstein was just a “fringe bogeyman.” If you thought he was anything more than that, you were just a right-wing loon.
Now to be fair, Raskin himself, he has talked about Epstein before, but you’ll notice something interesting if you do a search on TwiX of Jamie Raskin’s accounts (his official account and his personal account).
From March of 2019 . . .
From July of 2019 . . .
And then nothing . . . nothing . . . nothing . . .
until . . . July of 2025 . . .
Wait? What happened in between there? It’s like Epstein wasn’t relevant during the Biden years.
I wonder why.
But Trump really did hand Democrats a gift this time . . .
You see, Trump put out a rake for Republicans to step on . . . and they did.
And this will work . . . as long as no one remembers Democrats didn’t care until they did, just like certain people on the right cared a whole lot . . . until they didn’t.
Do-si-do, around we go.
And really the Democrats are pretty safe. I have a feeling any actual incriminating evidence was on a red-eye flight out to Tel Aviv long ago.
Though not every Democrat rabid with TDS got the memo . . .
How many times has Stephen King been to the island?
There’s a lot of coping going on in the Trump fan club.
Just a few of my favorites from this week as I scrolled TwiX . . .
So Trump’s “enemies” are his “PAST supporters,” and the people who want him to keep his promises are toxic to his presidency.
Actually that makes sense.
“Insurrection” Barbie should change her name to “Enabler” Barbie.
And if he’s blocking the information on Epstein, he is, um, protecting child rapists. It’s not like Epstein was running a ring of people ripping the tags off mattresses.
Tucker’s trying to steal MAGA! 😱
Like Bernie tried to steal the Democr—
Wait a minute. That might have worked out better for them.
They wouldn’t have run this lizard person . . .
Which means Trump likely would never have gotten in, creating the downward spiral of the Democrat Party ever since.
Tucker stealing MAGA might not be the worst thing to happen.
Just saying.
That was then . . .
This is now . . .
Expose the evil!
Unless Daddy Trump says no, in which case the “evil” must stay hidden because we’re mature like that.
We understand what it means to be on a “political team,” and that we must sacrifice anything—including our morals and integrity—to make sure the “team” wins.
But for some, Daddy Trump doesn’t really figure into it. This continued obsession with Epstein is just «looks around and whispers nervously» Hitlerian.
Or so says Sasha Stone.
On the Left, they care about Palestine. On the Right it’s something else. It’s deeper, darker hatred, where the whole Epstein sex trafficking case is now somehow being blamed on Israel and the Jews. That, to me, is getting into Hitlerian territory for real.
Hitlerian territory?
Come to think of it, that would make a great crossword clue.
Sixteen across, ten letters, “Hitlerian territory?”
Answer?
Lebensraum.
That sounds awfully familiar and highly relevant to something going on today. But I just can’t put my finger on it . . .
Almost got it . . .
It’s right there on the tip of my tongue . . .
Eh, if it’s important enough, it will come to me.
Of course, the most entertaining one of all is Ben Shapiro.
This is Ben Shapiro then . . .
And this is Ben Shapiro now . . .
What do you mean you don’t trust Donald Trump?
Okay, but um . . .
So how do I decide what to take seriously and what not?
Or we could go back even further . . .
Suddenly “the stupidest, most unstable man” is everyone’s unassailable source for what really happened with Epstein?
What a difference nine years and a certain theory . . .
. . . make.
But you know, sometimes the lies are entertaining. Apparently what we’re going with now is the “Jeffrey Epstein Hoax.” You see, Biden, Hillary, and Obama made it aaaallll up, just to get Trump.
There’s one little, itty bitty problem with that . . .
So anyone want to guess who was head of the US government in 2019 and 2020?
But Trump hears his supporters and understands their concerns and he’s going to do something about it . . . probably . . . according to his daughter in law.
Though Trump himself may not have gotten the memo.
He might not need their support, but the Republican Party does in fact need their support. And even Mike Johnson has figured this out.
The day Mike Johnson is indeed the “smart one” in the room is the day we all should weep.
Now, calling for the release of the files is one thing. But this is another . . .
Massie seems very worried about Trump’s threats to primary him.
I can see it now . . .
Trump, Marco Rubio, Pam Bondi, all sitting in a room. Trump pointing at the article in the New York Times . . .
[There’s a lot of fantasy in here. Just go with it.]
“Okay, I’ve had it. We’re deporting Thomas Massie.”
Rubio and Bondi look at each other, neither wanting to tell him.
Finally, Marco breaks the silence first, clearing his throat nervously, as Trump is looking a little frazzled these days. “No, Mr. President, we can’t deport Thomas Massie.”
“Why?” Trump snaps.
Pam pipes up, “Sir, he’s a US citizen.”
“We deported Rosie O’Donell.”
“No, Mr. President, you only ‘truthed’ about deporting Rosie.” Rubio grimaces, thinking, I could have been part of a real administration if only Ron DeSantis had won. None of these crazy gimmicks like Trump Accounts and “Truth” Social posts and Alligator Alcatraz . . . what an idiotic name . . . Alligator Alca—
He looks at Pam Bondi and Donald Trump.
Pam, a bit nervously asks, “What are you thinking?”
“I think I’m going to take Thomas on a little junket to Florida.”
Two weeks later, Rand Paul and Thomas Massie are sitting waiting for a few others at the monthly meeting of the “Our Own Party Hates Our Guts” Caucus.
Paul says, “So what is this I hear about an alligator attacking Marco Rubio? What were you doing out in the middle of the swamp anyway?”
“Well, that was the funny thing,” Massie says, rubbing his chin. “We had left the detention center and then for no reason that I could discern, we pulled off the side of the road. Our driver and guard stayed in the vehicle, but Marco said he had seen something in this clearing. And he kept trying to get me to see it, so we keep walking further in . . .” He shrugs. “We’re at the edge of the swamp, his hand is on my back for some reason, and I’m a bit worried he’s going to push me. And then . . .” Massie shrugs and makes a violent upward motion with his hands. “This big beast just launches itself out of the water.” Massie shakes his head in wonder. “But it misses me and gets ahold of Marco’s pant leg. Man’s lucky he didn’t lose a foot. I drag him backward, while I’m smacking the beast in the snout with Marco’s shoe. Finally, we just had to let the alligator have his pants, and we made a dash for the car, Marco in one shoe, his socks, and his—” Massie stops. “Did you even know they make boxers with little Patriot missiles on them?”
“Lindsey Graham always hands them out for Christmas,” says Paul flatly.
“He’s never given me any?”
“Count yourself lucky,” said Paul. “Besides, you’re in the House. He thinks you’re a peon. But that explains the photo in the Orlando Sentinel. Did you ever figure out what was in the clearing?”
“Nope, but I can tell you, they paid way too much for that detention center. There’s no way they’ve put $600 million into that without someone padding the bill somewhere. No wonder Ron and Don are friends again.”
“And so it goes,” says Paul.
“And so it goes,” says Massie.
And so it goes, says I.
Legal notice: the above is entirely fictional. The underwear had tanks on them.
I kid, the whole thing is fictional, well, except the part about Alligator Alcatraz already being up to nearly two-thirds of a billion dollars and Don and Ron being at least on speaking terms again.
I know, I just insulted some of you Ron DeSantis fans. I’m an equal opportunity critic. Sorry.
Anyway, a few weeks ago we went to Hozier at MetraPark. Billings is kind of an entertainment desert. You either get eighties bands or country, not much in between. So it was a treat. He was supposed to be here last winter, but they cancelled the concert because he got laryngitis. However, rather than refund everyone’s tickets, he and his band flew all the way from Ireland to do three shows, two here in Montana and one in Wyoming, which was kind of impressive. The show itself, other than the sound (I’ve been to few shows where you could hear the actual words because the Metra is a nightmare acoustically), was amazing for the visuals especially. And, OMG, is that man tall.
Plus I had forgotten how good this song was, and performed live with audience participation it was astounding. So to see us out . . .
Have a great weekend!
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I really thought I’d get out of clown world as long as Harris lost. Foolish me.
Colbert will have a Substack soon. It seems that’s where all those “top line performers “ end up when the gravy train ends.
Actually that flesh eating bacteria is no joke. As a diver you need to be careful about open wounds for more reasons then what blood may attract.
If a five year old is following Elmo on X there’s bigger problems than what Elmo is posting…just saying.
Great stuff.